Fly on the Wall 4

Zöe turned and blinked.

Zöe looked at Ryan.  Ryan looked at Zöe.  Aaron, aka Coffee Guy looked surprised.

“Zöe,” Ryan said.

“Ryan,” Zöe said, “uh, Ryan this is Aaron.  Aaron this is Ryan, a fellow contractor who works around these parts and with clients and things and this is Ryan.”

Aaron straightened his tie and was surprised to find his hair out of place. He got himself in order.

“Ryan, nice to meet you,” he said.

Ryan looked at Zöe.  Briefly, her eyes were pleading, but she blinked , looked around and said, “Aaron and I were just discussing the conference and the final get together.”  She trailed off with that and looked at her shoes.

At that moment the world turned.  There was an audible click.  Ryan’s heart stopped beating.  Ryan didn’t know it but his heart was built to accept certain shapes, like keys but more complicated.  It’s a complex combination.

Some shapes would fit partially.  Those were infatuations.  

Some shapes had deeper parts.  Those were close friends.

Some shapes were pre-formed, perhaps complete or not.  Those were family.

And some shapes were very complicated, very deep, intricate.  Those were love.  Lasting love.  Permanent love.  Love that would last a lifetime.  Love that was predestined.  Love that could not be avoided.  Love that could not be denied.  Love that would last beyond the end of time.  Love eternal.  Love universal.  Love that could not be denied.

In all the World there may be thousands of people who hold that special combination, but the chances of meeting those people are astronomically slim.

But, it does happen.  It happened here.  The world turned and Zöe’s combination fell into Ryan’s heart.

Ryan looked at Zöe and said, “Zöe!  I was hoping to catch you here.  Are we still on for tonight?”

Zöe looked at Ryan.

Fly on the Wall 3

Ryan walked out of the elevator and smack into a couple walking in.

“Oh, sorry!” Ryan said, “Wasn’t looking.  Mind in the clouds.  You OK?  Yeah, thanks, sorry again.”

Ryan pulled out his iPhone and set it on “silent.”

“Like I’m going to get a call,” he thought.

He sloped off to the Grand Ballroom, the whirr of a floor cleaner in the background.

Ryan entered the Grand Ballroom and thought it so crowded with people he nearly turned around to go back to his room.  He took a deep breath.  “OK, get a couple of drinks, a snack and back to the room.  Maybe grab a beer on the way out.”  It was a plan.

Ryan made a beeline to the bar.  “Chardonnay, please,” he said.  Oh, that was good, he thought.  He downed the glass in one, got another and set off for some food.

Ryan was impressed by the buffet layout.  There was something for everyone, he thought, and very nicely presented.  Grabbing a plate, Ryan loaded up with some shrimp, paté, hummus and some fresh vegetables.  He nearly missed the Korean pork but snagged a couple.

“Now, to find a quiet place in all this chaos.”  Ryan looked around, saw an empty table near the restrooms (beggars can’t be choosers) and sat down.

Ryan pulled out his iPhone and checked out his Facebook.  After making a couple of updates including a photo of his buffet plate, he looked up and briefly scanned the room.

Zöe.

There she was.  Chatting to the guy he knew as Aaron, aka Coffee Guy.  Ryan’s heart sank.  In the welling panic he looked at the exit, calculating how many steps to the elevator lobby and to the sanctuary of his room.

Ryan turned back to Zöe and Aaron.  Zöe was smiling and laughing.  Aaron took a step forward.  Zöe took a step back.  Suddenly, Ryan realize that Zöe was not smiling.  There was terror in her eyes.  She was afraid.  Her smile was a feint.  Aaron took a step forward.  Zöe took a step back.  Zöe’s eyes were darting around, and locked upon Ryan’s.  Ryan looked at Zöe, and she looked at him.  Later Ryan would learn that Zöe had only spotted the restrooms, intending to make her escape from Coffee Guy, but the universe had other plans.

There was no sound.  No motion.  No time.  No past.  No future.  Just now.  The present.

To Ryan everything was frozen.  The kitchen staff stopped restocking the buffet.  The waiters halted in refilling drinks mid-stream.  Nobody moved.  Ryan looked at Zöe.  Zöe looked at Ryan.

The message was clear.

Ryan stood up and walked toward Zöe.  He passed a waiter with a tray of chardonnays, grabbed one without breaking stride and without taking his eyes off of Zöe.

He stood next to Zöe, just to the left of Aaron, aka Coffee Guy.  

Aaron was frozen, his face smug, his tie slightly askew.  Ryan reached up and loosened it a bit more and mussed Aaron’s hair for good measure.

He then turned toward Zöe.

Fly on the Wall 2

The elevator door opened to a deserted lobby.  In the distance a floor polisher whirred its way over well-worn tiles.  Closer, faint “dings” announced elevators opening on floors above.  Faint music and voices drifted in the distance.

Instinctively, Zöe checked her hair in the elevator lobby mirror and strode purposefully to the Grand Ballroom.

It was a medium sized crowd for a large conference, maybe a hundred people or so.  Zöe spotted the bar immediately and soon had a cool chardonnay.  Mmmmmmm, that first sip hit the spot.  She glugged it down in one and picked up a second to last her through the evening.  She felt a warm glow flow through her body and began to relax a little.

“Food, must have food,” she thought and headed to the buffet.

The buffet was better than usual, a nice mixture of savory and sweet, spicy and mild and shrimp on ice.  Zöe loved shrimp on ice.  She  was impressed with the spread.  The hotel really pulled out all the stops.  The presentation was inventive and detailed, staff refreshed plates that didn’t even need refreshing and even the ice was sparkling.  Zöe eyed the dessert tableau planning on a long, satisfying stop there later.  She loaded her plate with shrimp, sauce, paté, a couple of vol au vents, a wedge of quiche, then looked for a quiet corner away from the hubbub to have her picnic.

After her third shrimp she felt a presence, looked around and there was Aaron, aka Coffee Guy, only inches away.

Instinctively, Zöe took a half-step back.  Aaron inched forward just a bit.

“Feeling better I see,” Aaron said, looking at the shrimp tails on Zöe’s plate.

“Yes, I am,” Zöe said, “I’m looking forward to getting back home and to the old routine.  Get my dog out of the kennel, she’s going to be a mess. Well, emotionally, that is.  She’ll be groomed and clean, the kennel is really good about that, and probably up a few pounds and missing walks.  It’s always quite a palaver getting her home with all the doggie kisses and whatnot.”

Zöe realized she was babbling.  Aaron stepped forward.

“I’ll be glad to leave this dump, too,” Aaron said, “Just look at this buffet.  It’s a total disaster.  I’ve seen better at a Travel Lodge.  I’m sure we could find better than this.”

Zöe stepped back, looking around at nowhere in particular, just at the crowd.  She said, “Well, the shrimp is good,” and took another to the tail.

Aaron stepped forward, “If you are content with frozen,” he said.

Zöe stepped back, and this time scanned for the restrooms.  There they were, back and to the left.  “Well, when it comes to shrimp, I guess I might not be all that discriminating.  The sauce is good, though, don’t you think?”

Aaron stepped forward.  “Yes, it’s an adequate commercial brand.  Tell you what, Zöe, I know a place where the shrimp comes right off the boat and the sauce is made by the owner according to a family recipe.  What do you say we blow this two-bit pop stand and go someplace real?”  He took another step forward, reaching out to take Zöe’s plate.

Zöe blinked and turned.

Fly on the Wall 1

The end of conference mixer was held in the Grand Ballroom.  It was the usual affair:  buffet of snack food, cheese and fruit platter, chocolate fountain and an open bar.

Zöe debated on whether to attend or try to get a flight out early, but decided to put in an appearance and maybe pick up a few contacts, do some networking, be seen and all that corporate consultant stuff.

“For my country,” she said to herself as she pressed “Down.”

Ryan looked out the window into the night and the lights of the city.  Headlights, tail lights, planes landing - a city at night.  People coming and going, arriving and departing, leaving families and returning to families.  He felt rooted to the spot.  

“All dressed up and nowhere to go,” he thought.  But he had someplace to go.

“I hate my job,” he said to himself as he pressed “Down.”

Ryan 6

New Message

Zöe,

I’m glad we had a chance to talk about this today.  I don’t have anything good to say only my sympathy for what happened to you which was terrible.  I can’t imagine.  Well, I can’t imaging it happening to you outside of a cheap spy novel and I can’t imaging being the Coffee Guy who would do that.  It’s just beyond me.  I don’t know what else to say.

I’ve heard of this kind of thing going on but never experienced it.

This may sound a bit weird, but part of me died reading your story.  Just you and the situation and Coffee Guy and what you put up with just by being you.  It saddens me.

I wish I could hold you, say “there there” and things would be OK.  That’s a dream.  I realize it and don’t realize it at the same time.

I think about possibilities and what could be and try to push back reality and what is.  That makes no sense, I know.

Anyway, I hope to demonstrate to you that I am not Coffee Guy or that other guy or any guy.  I’m just me.  Yes, it’s complicated but I hope we can find common ground, common understanding and common trust that we can go forward.  Where, I don’t know.  It’s a new path to me, too, but I’m willing to fall into that insanity wherever it leads.

Love,

  Ryan

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Zöe 5

New Message

Dear Ryan,

I want to share a brief story with you that might give you some understanding (or patience!).  Sort of where I’m coming from.

In a previous life I got a big promotion to account manager for a big client of ours.  Prior to that I had managed a few smaller clients, but the company wanted me to take on a bigger challenge and focus my skills on a single account.  It was a big step for me and significant, maybe in a selfish way, because I was the first female to take on such a role.

Things went well for about a year and then I kept running into this guy - in the hallway, in the parking lot, in meetings, on conference calls and so on.  It was a bit like Coffee Guy, but I had not yet learned to keep my shields up.  Anyway, one thing led to another, he bought me coffee a couple of time, then we started having lunch once a week and before I knew what was happening we were “dating.”  I write dating like “dating” because it wasn’t really in a romantic sense, but maybe more than a hanging-out sense.

I began to confide in him things that were happening at work and in my home life, and he was a good listener.  He was a great listener.  If I had been paying attention I would have realized that he paid the most attention when I was talking about things I was doing managing the account.

The short story is that he was pumping me for internal, confidential information that he was passing directly to his negotiating team.  I didn’t see it coming until the very end when we began to negotiate the annual contract.  It should have been easy - here’s what we’ll do, here’s what you’ll pay, a little back and forth and done.

It wasn’t like that at all.

They began to ask for concessions they never asked for before, and for a bunch of free stuff.  They seemed to know exactly how far they could push us and managed to lock us into a two-year deal with the option for a third at the same price.

My managers were furious.  Furious at me. 

It got worse.

Rumors began to fly that I had shared company information with my “boyfriend” who worked for the client.  I found out later he was the one who started the rumors.  Shortly after that I was called in for a counseling session with my manager and at the end of that they told me I was going to be replaced.  About a week later I got hauled in again and told that they were having a problem placing me in another position.  I had two choices:  resignation or termination.

I resigned.

Ryan, I’ve never told anyone this story before. It was a very embarrassing and painful experience and it took me a long time to get over it - if I am.  I keep to myself, lock the doors, pull down the curtains.  Fool me once, shame on me.  It’s a work in progress.

We’ll talk soon, OK?

All the best,

  Zöe

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Ryan 5

New Message

Dear Zöe,

Thanks for your note.

I’m going to have to think about this for  while.

I’ll get back with you soon.

Ryan

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Zöe 4

New Message

Dear Ryan,

I’m going to be brief because I have a lot of “stuff” going on in my life right now and I just don’t like burdening my friends with my issues.  So, let’s just leave it at that for the moment, OK?

Please don’t read any more into this than there is.  I thought your note the other day was very sweet and I do want to hear your story.  But not right now.  In time.

I’ve always had to fend for myself, so to speak, and I’m used to solving my own problems in my own way and in my own time.  That’s me, the way I am.

I did notice you “bumping” into me at the conference.  It seemed that every time I looked around there you were.  I found myself looking around for you, too. 

It’s a male-dominated business, I don’t have to tell you, and I get “hit on” at these meetings whether consciously or unconsciously.  I mean, I’m surrounded by guys.  I used to wear a fake wedding ring but that didn’t seem to have any effect.  I felt comfortable having you around and it enabled me to relax a little.

Please don’t be put off.  Give me a little time and a little space and I’ll be fine.  Really, I will.

We’ll talk soon, OK?

Yours,

  Zöe

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New Message

Ryan,

I really meant to send that note this time!  This one, too!   :-)

Zöe

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Ryan 4

New Message

Dearest Zöe,

I would be dishonest if I said that your email was not a shock to me, but a welcome shock.

Zöe, I’ll tell you more about your experience that you know later, but for now I totally sympathize with you and wish it could have been better.

It could have been better if I had been more honest.  Honest about you and honest about me.

I didn’t want to do all this in email or on the phone.  I wanted to talk to you in person which all fell apart previously.  Well, what’s done is done.

Let me just say that you came into my life like a thunderbolt.  I wasn’t looking for you.  I didn’t expect you.  I never imagined you.  But there you were on the shuttle bus from the airport to the conference.

I remember that day so clearly.  I was standing in the shuttle line right behind you.  We had never met but I saw your conference luggage tag.  All I thought was “conference luggage tag” and no more.  But, if you recall the shuttle was full and we ended up sitting next to each other.  You were on your cell phone and I pulled mine out to check Facebook or whatever.

Then we turned to each other because the shuttle hit a bump or there was some disturbance and we were looking at each other.  Awkward.  I said, “I see by your tag that you’re going to the conference.  I’m Ryan.  I work for Cop-co.”  You paused for a moment then said, “Zöe.  With Softworks Partners.”

That was it.  We went back to our phones and nothing more was said.

But, at the conference we kept bumping into each other.  At coffee or at presentations or in the lobby waiting for the shuttle.  We became sort of friends, conference buddies but that was it.

Except that wasn’t it.  By the end of the week I found myself thinking about you more and more.  I caught myself looking for you in the lobby or at coffee breaks and making excuses to talk with you.  There was something about you that was different.

Yes, we should talk.  I’m not sure I am at a spot where I can “tell all” but you never know.

Thanks for being open and honest with me. I wish I had as much “steel” as you.

All the best,

  Ryan

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New Message

Zöe,

I don’t know what I just did in replying to you and if you think it’s out of line I totally understand.  I would like to talk with you soon but if not I’ll understand.

Your friend,

  Ryan

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Zöe 3

New Message

Dear Ryan,

Ugh, I feel awful.  Not a stomach bug like you had but sick to my stomach in other ways.  I sort of got trapped into going out with Coffee Guy and it took me most of the evening to find the steel I needed to stand on my own, which I did.  It’s like you’ve told me, I need to assert myself because I’m good enough, smart enough and people like me.  More Al Franken from SNL!  I’ve become quite a fan.

Anyway, I got trapped by my, I don’t know, eagerness to please, to accept a dinner date with Coffee Guy, whose name is Aaron.  I sort of said yes, OK, fine or something like that and before I knew it he had arranged a dinner date.

Believe me, Ryan, I would have SO MUCH rather have spent the evening with you than Aaron, but I was stuck.  I tried to make light of it in my previous note to you but it was not light to me.  I was torn, wanting to be with you and having committed my time to this guy.  But, a promise made is a promise kept, so I went through it.

It was horrible, absolutely horrible.  Not in an epic disaster kind of way but just as an evening of me thinking about my weakness and wanting to be with you.

Aaron picked me up at the hotel in a very flashy car.  Some kind of expensive Beemer.  It was just all shiny and smelled new.  Aaron chatted about all the things his car could do, driving me insane with stupid detail.  I just smiled and put up with it.

Irony upon irony, he had booked a table at Pico’s.  Yep, that Pico’s.  I thought, “I could be here with Ryan,” but I’m not.  We ended up in a “snug” booth in the bar room and Aaron sidled up next to me instead of across the table.  I was very uncomfortable which he may have sensed.  He asked, “Is it OK if I sit here?” and I said, “Yes.”  What else could I do?  He kept bumping against me, touching me.  I was counting down the minutes to get out of there.

He talked about himself most of the evening.  I got a few words in edgewise, but I soon lost any interest in carrying the conversation as he seemed to have no problem.  He looks upon himself as a “mover and a shaker” talking about his office politics and how he was maneuvering this and maneuvering that.  It was quite obvious he was interested in “maneuvering” me.

I picked at my food and hardly touched my drink.  After coffee he suggested we go somewhere for a nightcap because the “night was young.”  Seriously, does anybody still say that?  I told him that I had a presentation to finish and an early morning but he became more insistent.

That’s when my steel spine kicked in. I pulled out my phone, cued up the Uber application and ordered a car.  Aaron saw what I was doing.  It was amusing (I am so bad!) to watch him try to scramble out of this situation.  The bottom line was that I had my own means.  I didn’t need for him and his expensive whatever Beemer to take me back to the hotel or anywhere else.

Uber, as usual, was three minutes away.  I got my stuff, thanked him for a lovely evening, assured him I would be OK and left.  I put my phone to my ear faking a call, and walked straight out of Pico’s without turning around.  Fortunately, Uber pulled up like magic and I made my escape.  I didn’t even look back to see if Aaron had followed me out the door.  I didn’t care, either.  I started laughing which surprised the driver who asked me if I was OK.  Finally, a sincere guy.  I told him I was OK and he got me back to my hotel.

Ryan, I know I’ll chicken out and not send this but I would want you to know, somehow, that I run into so many Coffee Guys, you have no idea.  I thought the world was filled with Coffee Guys until I met you.

You’re different.  You see something in me I can’t even describe.  I don’t know why but I feel you really care about me and not for your reasons but for mine.  I think you genuinely care about my work, my well-being and me.  That’s very special.  You know I’m such a klutz when talking about myself.  Well, I’m a klutz in everything!  I never feel like that when I’m with you.  I never had,  I just don’t know ho

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New Message

Ryan,

I’m in a bit of a panic.  I was writing out my thoughts about this evening never meaning for anyone to see them and sent them to you by mistake.

Please, we need to talk.  It’s all my fault.  I can explain.  Maybe I can’t explain.  What a mess.

Call me tomorrow or I’ll call you.  We need to talk.  Don’t think the worst.  Trust me, please.

Love,

  Zöe

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Ryan 3

New Message

Dear Zöe,

This is a little difficult for me to write but I want to be open with you and avoid any misunderstanding.  What I’m going to tell you was just dumb luck or bad luck or karma, whatever,  and I want you to know that it was totally unplanned.

Since you told me you were unavailable that night I decided to eat dinner at the hotel rather than go out on my own.  You know how I hate eating in a restaurant alone.  I’d rather skip a meal than do that.  Like the old SNL sketch with Steve Martin it seems that restaurants put single diners in the middle of the room with a spotlight on them.  “Look, this guy’s eating alone!”  Hate the spotlight.

But, in the end I decided WTH and drove over to Pico’s.  Fortunately, the desk asked me if I’d prefer a table or a booth and, of course, I chose “booth” and one on the far side of the room away from the lights.

It’s an understatement by a mile to say I was surprised to see you walk in with what I guess was your date.  I’m sure I did a double take, my heart leapt into my mouth in the onset of a panic attack.  I wanted to slip under the table or pull out Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak - anything  - rather than be seen by you.  

Of all the joints in all the towns in all the world, you walked into mine.  There was nowhere for me to go, nowhere to hide, and it was only a matter of time before our eyes locked and then what?  I don’t know then what.  I was saved by the host who guided you into another room.

Well, that was it for me.  Although my food had not yet arrived, I called over the waiter and told him I had a emergency at the hospital.  That I was on call, and handed him my credit card.  He waved it away saying that dinner was “comped” and wished me and my patient luck.  I was free to go.  And go I did.  I pulled out my cellphone, put it to my ear to hide the side of my face, removed my glasses and bolted out the door without stopping.  I had to walk completely around the restaurant to get to my car to avoid you seeing me from a window, had been looking.

In reflection I acted like a total idiot.  I know you have your life and you have friends and maybe relationships and you don’t need to tell me everything you are doing.  Still, though, it put me off balance.  I overreacted.  So, I just wanted to let you know the situation in case you did know that I was at the restaurant and why I left so abruptly.  But, I’m OK.  Really, I am.

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New Message

Zöe,

Another boring “travel” dinner alone, but at least the food was good.  Hope your evening was better.  Now we have two rain checks!  Ha.

Ryan

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