Can't Cut It

TRADITIONAL CHEESE FONDUE

8 oz. Emmental cheese
8 oz. Gruyere cheese
1 cup dry white wine
clove garlic
1 tsp cornstarch
optional Kirsch
optional nutmeg

Cut the garlic. Chop that baby in half and don't take no for an answer. Wipe the inside of your fondue pot with the raw, oozing, cut garlic clove. Ignore the moans of extacy. Toss in the white wine and heat slowly. Ignore whining. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, grate the cheeses in a large bowl and toss with cornstarch. As wine begins to boil slowly add the cheese and stir like there ain't no tomorrow, because if you scorch the bottom, that prediction just might come true. When all the cheese is melted and smooth grate in some nutmeg and add a tablespoon of Kirsch unless, like me, you can't stand the taste of Kirsch and only drink it when all the gin, and all the tequila and all the vodka and all the sherry and all the sake is gone. Otherwise add as much Kirsch as you want and I'll Kirsch the day you were born.

Be sure to "cut" the garlic and "grate" the cheese and not the other way around!

Prior to all this, bake some French baguettes, 'cause you'll need them right about now. Too bad you didn't read the entire recipe before you started or you'd appreciate this fine but important point.

In lieu of bread thrust you hand into the boiling cheese, withdraw it with as much dignity as the occasion merits and lick your fingers. Ignore your own screaming.