Friday, January 27, 2006

Nationwide

There are times I could use a fast rewind in life. You know, a remote control that would let me pause, rewind and see that bit over again. Or, do that bit over again.

Case in point, a conversation today that SHOULD have gone like this:

“Did you call the Honda dealer about the tags?”

“Yes, I called the Honda dealer about the tags, but, and I beg forgiveness on this point, I neglected to tell you about the positive outcome of that conversation in that the tags have arrived and we could have picked up the tags at lunchtime if I had remembered. Alas, I forgot to convey that detail to you. I will flog myself when we get home for my negligence and eat only bread and water for a week.”

However, conversations in my life seldom go as they SHOULD. In this case I skipped over the first bit:

I called the dealer, ascertained that the tags were available, but forgot to communicate that fact during lunch.

Rather, I launched into the second bit about forgetting with, well ‘different’ results. You be the judge. Let’s watch:

“Did you call the Honda dealer about the tags?”

“Oh, I forgot…”

“What do you mean you forgot? Didn’t I remind you at breakfast this morning to call them? Didn’t I staple a reminder to your briefcase? Didn’t I leave a message on your office voice mail to call the dealer? Didn’t I send you an email on the subject, and several IM’s this morning? Huh, huh, didn’t I, huh?”

“I, uh…”

“What do I need to do, follow you around all day? Take out an ad in the newspaper? Book a radio spot? Hire an assistant? Call you every 10 minutes? Can’t you do a simple task like call a car dealer? What do I have to do, hire a sky writer?”

Skywriter, I thought. That would be cool. A skywriter doing your bidding. Yeah, I see it all now…

S U R R E N D E R     D O R O T H Y !

What’s that up in the sky!

It’s the witch! It’s the witch! Who’s Dorothy? The Wizard will know! We’re off to see the Wizard!

Great, I thought, maybe I can get out of here. A few clicks…

I looked down at my feet expecting to see the Ruby Slippers but I was in for a shock.

Black paws.

What? Black paws! What’s this? Rats, I’m not Dorothy, I’m (arf) Toto!

I checked myself out. Short stature, black fur, large moustache. Whew! At least I’m not a bichon frise! How embarrassing would that be?

Quickly, I turned tight little circles and did a bit of a hop. I heard a voice.

“Down, Toto, down! Look, the witch!”

I looked up and saw the witch finish off the exclamation point and zoom off to the west. That figured. After all, she’s the Wicked
Witch of the West.

I had to get out of here. Jumping up I grabbed Dorothy’s dress with my teeth and tugged. Dorothy looked down and I did my best to click my heels.

“There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home!” I thought.

It came out like “Arf! Bow wow wow wow wow! Arf arf!”

Dorothy looked down and said, “I know it’s scary, but you should have called the Honda dealer, you Bad Dog!”

I paused then said, “But, I did call the dealer and the tags are in and we can pick them up!”

All that came out was “Arffie, arf, arf!”

I looked down in shame, but from my vantage point all I could see were the Ruby Slippers worn by Dorothy.

Mmmmm, I thought, slipperrrrrrs…

Suddenly, I leapt forward, grabbed the slippers, wrenched them off her feet and ran into the forest.

She exclaimed very un-Dorothy-like, “WTF?”

But, it was too late! Off I scampered with the slippers in my teeth and once I was safe in the forest, I dropped the shoes, put my hind legs in them and clicked.

“There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home!”

A fog began to encircle me and soon I was lifted up, up, and up, until…

“Are you listening to me at all? Do I have to do all your thinking for you? Knock, knock. Is anybody home?”

I said, “I called the dealer this morning and the tags are in. I forgot to tell you at lunch and we could have picked them up at that time, but I’ll go out on Saturday and get them. It’s not a problem. Also, I’ll get some stuff to fix the fence while I’m doing errands.”

Silence.

“Oh. Well, I’m sorry I jumped on your case. My bad.”

“Bad? You’re Nationwide!”

8 comments:

Foo said...

Nation wide... is that like "Phat"?

I like the skywritten demand for Dorothy's surrender. How's the joke go? "Killed Dorothy. Took the shoes. Outta here. [signed] Toto."

From there it got a little weird. So weird, in fact, that it made me feel a lot better about the entry I posted yesterday. I thought that was weird, but it pales.

So, you know. Thanks.

Pammer said...

Dude, that post? A virtual acid tab. Woah.

Bill said...

ZZ Top are never around when you need them!

Bret said...

Did you just call your wife's tush fat? Talk about a day of living dangerously.

Oh, and L. Frank Baum called. He wants his poppies back.

Badoozie said...

you're a weird bird ya know?

i think you should have been smacked with the slippers.

Anonymous said...

The middle of the post had me flashing on Calvin & Hobbes whenever he was being chewed out by his teacher. He'd turn into spaceman spiff and do battle with the evil alien.

schmims said...

"Arf" is not a word. I spelled it in scrabble Monday night and got challenged. It is so not in the dictionary.

schmims said...

And right after that, he tried to spell the word "fu". What the... I so challenged that one.