Gravity of the Situation

These are my Tiki Shakers: Tiki Salt and Tiki Pepper.

Aren't they just wonderful? Genuine ceramic. They were on sale. I couldn't believe my luck!

My family thinks they are special, too, so special that we should only get them out of the special locked cupboard in the garage attic on Very Special Occasions, like during a total solar eclipse. I think one's coming up in 2045 and I'm going to be ready. Totally.



Which brings us to the subject of Gravity and Kink. (You knew that Kink was going to be part of this story somehow. Not to disappoint.)

Kink has been experimenting with Gravity for some years now. He's consistent with his experimental approach, although results vary widely.

Here's the blueprint:

1. Locate an object near an edge approximately 1 meter or greater from the floor.
2. Push the object to the edge and observe as potential energy is minimized and kinetic energy is maximized.
3. Observe intently for at least one second.
4. Assume a nonchalant air of aloofness.
5. Lick tail.

(I recall doing all but Step 5 in Physics Lab which probably explains why I got a "C.")

Not all of Kink's gravity experiments have been captured on film, although many have been observed. Most are harmless consisting of pencils, keys, plastic bits and pieces, newspapers and magazines. The basic rule is this:

If you don't want it on the floor, don't put it on a shelf (or countertop or chair or table or, well, you get the picture.)

Here's the aftermath of one of Kink's early gravity experiments: my (ex) favorite coffee cup.



Gravity experiment number 2 involved an object less sentimental, although it still brought a tear to my eye, but you would not believe the mess it created. OK, you'll get SOME idea.



So, knowing Kink's insatiable curiosity about gravity and its effects, imagine my horror when I discovered this!



Nobody in the family owned up to encouraging Kink to experiment with the heirloom Tiki Shakers but I'm pretty sure they didn't walk out of the locked attic cupboard by themselves.

My guess is that Kink simply miscalculated the date of the next total solar eclipse.

Yeah, that's it.