Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Chickened Out

If you have been watching the news then you may have seen the report about ConocoPhillips teaming up with Tyson Foods to produce a hybrid fuel based on chicken fat.

Now, what exactly does that mean?

Well, I can tell you that the CEO’s of the two companies were mighty pleased with themselves during the announcement. Mighty pleased.

“The bonus to consumers may even meet the level of my annual bonus,” the Oil CEO squawked, a feather clinging to his lips.

“You’re kidding,” the Chicken CEO clucked, who’s bonus was chickenfeed by comparison.

“Yes, I’m kidding,” the Oil CEO confessed, “my little joke.”

And the two CEO’s fell about laughing and slapping each other on the back; feathers flew.

Now, think about this for a moment.

A chicken in your tank. What does that mean?

I’ve heard of a tiger in your tank, but I’ve never heard of a chicken in your tank.

Tiger. Sleek jungle animal racing through the underbrush in pursuit of prey. Fierce, strong, agile, fast. Claw and fang.

Chicken. Clumsy bird that can’t fly, can’t cross the road, in pursuit of cracked corn. Cowardly, one might say “chicken,” weak and tastes like chicken. Beak and egg.

Which would you rather have in your tank? Tiger? Chicken? Tiger? Chicken?

Just imagine. You’re driving down the freeway in your Binford 3000 Cobra XTi and, bing, the low fuel indicator chimes.

To your left is an Exxon station featuring Tiger Gas. Put a Tiger in your tank, you hunky guy, you!

To your right is a ConocoPhillips station featuring Chicken Gas (reminding you of that bad episode with KFC last weekend.) Put a Chicken in your tank, you total loser. Braaakkk!!

What are you going to do?

Well, I can tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to go out and buy a couple of Hummers and some Exxon stock!

But, that’s all hypothetical. I mean, who’s going to drive around with a fake chicken’s head hanging out of their gas tank like people did with tiger tails? More important to consider is how the fuel is going to be made.

Think about it. Chicken fuel.

They’re going to, like, pump chicken fat from the chicken farm in Arkansas to the oil refinery in Texas. Does this mean they’ll have to construct a chicken fat pipeline through Louisiana? What are the environmental considerations? What if there’s a chicken fat rupture in Monroe?

“Monroe schools were evacuated today following a rupture of the Chicken Fat Pipeline. Hazardous material specialists from Shreveport were flown in to contain the spill which was being channeled into a local bayou where the fat was consumed by local alligators. Protesters from POTA, Prevent Obese Treatment of Alligators, were present, objecting to the industry practice of using alligators to clean up chicken fat spills.”

No, I think this a bad move. It’s going to encourage copycat fat fuel refining. No telling where this will end.

BP: Put a pork pie in your tank!

Shell: Put an oyster in your tank!

Valero: Put a bull in your tank!

Believe me, this is a slippery slope for oil companies to be on. I mean, what if the chickens don’t produce enough fat? How will it be made up?

Chicken fat production is down. Meanwhile, at Big Oil Company headquarters the annual employee physical…

“Whoa, Bill, looks like you’ve gained a few pounds! Been at those donuts at staff meeting have you? Well, we’re going to have to transfer you to refining. Yes, to refining. You’ll do well at refining…”

And in the Big Oil cafeteria a new line of Soylent Green wraps opens.

Ranch or BBQ?


Bob said...

one word. liposuction.

Foo said...

On the surface of it, Bob has a great idea. I've been to Wal-Mart and I've seen a lot of fat wrapped in sweat pants. There's an abundant supply, for sure.

But do you really want to contemplate Angelina Jolie if the fat supply gets tight and she misses a couple lip injections? Oh, to be a caricaturist.

Meanwhile... a chicken in the tank would sound like a lot of clucking and pinging, I think. Unless the fuel came from one of those speedy-looking chickens depicted on the signs at Chicken Express franchises.