Monday, January 09, 2006

Fries with Your Ketchup?

Before too much heartburn is generated over this I will state right off that I am a Ketchup Fan.

I am a fan of ketchup.


Prounced “KETCH-up” as in y’all better hurry and ketchup wit us, now.

I have no idea what catsup is. And I don’t want to know.

What I do know is that Google gives 4,670,000 hits for “ketchup” and a paltry 617,000 for “catsup.”

So, ketchup wins. Google says so.

Now that we got that settled I was wondering the other day what life would be like if ketchup was the main event instead of the condiment.

This all started when a friend of mine informed a caffeine-deprived group of workers one too bright morning that “they” were auctioning stuff from AstroWorld which closed down here in Houston a few months ago, and one of the items up for sale was a 40-gallon ketchup dispenser.

Whoa, said someone who was at least two cups of coffee behind the rest of us, how many packets would that be?

Being the math major of the group I quickly estimated that a packet ‘this’ long, ‘that’ wide and ‘yea’ thick would have such-and-such volume which when divided into 40 gallons, naught and naught is naught, carry the one, thirty days hath September yielded…

…about a zillion, give or take this many (and I flashed my fingers a few times for effect)

The coffee bar fell silent for a few minutes until Ten Cup Ed stuttered, y-y-y-ou k-k-k-k-k-know, I th-th-th-think he’s r-r-r-r-r-r-ight, and then Ed not so much walked, but jittered down the hall and banged into his cubicle.

The rest of us slowly filed out of the coffee bar as the words of Ed’s pronouncement sank in.

Wow, a zillion packets, someone let out a low whistle, that’s like all the ketchup you’d ever need. Ever!

Yeah, someone else said, you could like have ketchup all the time, like.

“Whoa, dude, 24-7 ketchup blows my mind,” he paused, “like.”

So, instead of working on my 2006 Goals and Objectives I devoted my day to a world in which ketchup was king. (I mean, really, Goals and Objectives? Give me a break! What’s the point? The year’s almost over. Sheesh.)

In the Ketchup World tomatoes would grow to the size of cows. The great tomato barons would have conquered the West with vast fields of tomatoes stretching from the banks of the Mississippi to the Pacific Ocean, or at least to Ogden, Utah.

As Gramps explained:

Yep, I remember as a kid the Ketchup Truck coming down the street. Big old honking red truck and the Ketchup Man was all decked out in his red coveralls, hauling the great red hose over his shoulder as he trudged across the lawn to the Ketchup Spigot. He’d screw that sucker in and start the pump that would fill the Ketchup Bin in the cellar plumb full. Then we’d all run up and stand around him as he released the spigot clamp and sure as shooting there would be a little back pressure and we’d all get squirted from head to foot with great gobs of ketchup.

Heh, heh, yeah, boy, those were the days.

Wow, Gramps, you had a Ketchup Bin in the cellar? Didn’t you have no Binford 3000 40-gallon Ketchup Dispenser in the kitchen?

“No, dummy,” some older kid would say, “they weren’t invented yet.”

Oh. The thought of hauling buckets of ketchup up the stairs was daunting.

Man, you had it tough Gramps. Poor Gramps.

Suddenly, the back door would fly open and Mom would yell “Dinner Time!” and we’d all zoom into the house.

“What’s for dinner, Ma?” we’d all shout!

“How about a great big bowl of ketchup with fried potato sprinkles?”

“Yea! Potato sprinkles!”

We’d all beam with pleasure, “Aw, Mom, you’re too good to us. We don’t deserve it!”

But, secretly we knew we did.


Anonymous said...

"What I do know is that Google gives 4,670,000 hits for “ketchup” and a paltry 617,000 for “catsup.”

So, ketchup wins. Google says so."

As someone who hates ketchup (sorry - I'm generally anti-all condiments), I have to say, the fact that I laughed hysterically while reading a post about it... well, that's why I keep reading.

Foo said...

I like condiments as well as the next guy, but I don't think I'd relish living in Ketchup World.

Bret said...

A world where tomatoes are as big as cows? Peter Max has been living there for 40 years, hasn't he? I just can't mustard up much enthusiasm for the idea.

Anonymous said...

I'm de-lurking to say I love your writing. This was an especially funny entry.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmmm ... ketchup.

French fries are a vehicle for ketchup just as french bread is a vehicle for butter.

And, not only is it ketchup, with a "k," but specifically Heinz Ketchup. All others are cheap imposters ...

Anonymous said...

I gotta get you and The Swimmy together - she is a HUGE ketchup fan. Ketchup on EVERYTHING.

(like peas. WTF?)

Anonymous said...

This might put a damper on things:

While I'm not sorry about the ketchup, I'm rather upset about the coffee and peanut butter. Have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

well, i think that you should convert to fry sauce. i mean, it's the 2000's for the love of pete. and all that high fructose corn syrup? why, there aint nary a drop o'tomatoes in that, jess some red food colerin. and lots of slime.

okay, fine. have your ketchup

schmims said...

I knew a girl in college who got grounded from ketchup. She ate it on everything. Probably even ice cream.

Coelecanth said...

In Australia they call it sauce. It doesn't need any other descriptor, tells you something about how important it is to Oz cuisine.

Antique Mommy said...

What Paper boy said. Even though I am generally not so much in the Democratic camp (please don't throw tomatoes - it's future ketchup!) it's Heinz only at our house. But did you hear that salsa has replaced ketchup as the number one condiment in America? Now see, I love salsa too, but not with french fries, but pretty much anything else.

Shalee said...

Salsa over Ketchup? That's just down right unAmerican!

Bill, once again, you hit the nail on the head. Ane yet another thing we have in common.

Would your wife let you have a long distance soul mate? If yes, I'll be first in line because you match me just right. And you are a southerner to boot!

Anonymous said...

10240 packets of ketchup in 40 gallons.

Heinz rules.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe Astroworld closed.


Suzy-Q said...

HILARIOUS!!! I love this post!