Friday, August 15, 2008

Elmo Shoes

I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for Cool Shoes.

Imagine my surprise and horror at discovering these!

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Sesame Street characters. My kids grew up with Big Bird and Maria (who had the hots for me, I know. Seriously.) and Oscar the Grouch and Cookie Monster.

But, of all the Sesame Street characters to parade across the small screen, the veritable wasteland, the only one, the single character who got on my remaining nerve, the guy who I would cheerfully set on fire, run over with a steam roller, sell on the Fuzzy Character Slave Market is ... Elmo.

Elmo's face: hate it.

Elmo's personality: hate it.

Elmo's voice: hate it. hate it. hate it.

Elmo's fur: hate it.

Elmo, in general: hate it.

Now, "hate" is a strong word but in this instance it applies to Elmo. Elmo is insipidly stupid, uses bad grammar, has a cloyingly grating voice that drives me into a muppetcidal frenzy, stupid face, floppy arms and ugly fur. There should be a law, really, against such a ghastly thing being on TV.

No jury in the world would convict me if I wrapped Elmo in barbed wire and set him on a railroad track, or sank him into the Mariana Trench, or shot him into the Sun or chopped him up in a Veg-i-matic. I'm convinced of this.

OK, so here's my take on "Elmo Shoes."

Elmo Shoes should have Elmo on the sole and every step you take causes the Elmo Shoe to emit a sound like:


Oh, that hurts!

Don't step on me!


And if you jump and down Elmo should squeal like a pig.

Yeah, I'd buy those shoes.


Anonymous said...

Oh thank god, I thought it was just me who wanted to throttle the irritating litte *beeeeeeep transmission interrupted*

You have restored my faith in humanity.

Anonymous said...

Just say no, Bill.



Evn said...

You know what would be great? If, when you jump up and down in the Elmo shoes, he curses like a sailor. Which would ruin his reputation.

Oh, and you don't know me, but I nominated you for a blog award. Click here for details.

ACTing Like A Mama said...

Finally - another elmo-hater! I am sure a tickle-me-grover would be so much more appealing.

Anonymous said...

thats mean i love elmo