Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Hoarse, of Coarse

I woke up this morning a little hoarse this morning, pranced around, nibbled on some hay and farted a rainbow.

That is, I was dreaming I was a little horse but woke up with a big hoarse and a very colourful room.

(I heart rainbows!)

(I heart coffee more!)

Following my heart into the kitchen for a hot cup of Joe, I called Kink to give him a Morning Snax but instead of hearing myself say, "Hey, Kinkers, ya want a Snak-O?"

it came out more like this:

" y ers n Ssss O ? "

Although I was thinking real loud, I was squeaking like an old hinge on a rusty gate being swung by a quartet of bullfrogs. I tried a chorus of Sweet Adeline in one-part harmony to no effect.

Kink was still in the other room oblivious to my condition. I decided to write him a note only to find the pen was out of ink.

Great Caesar's Ghost! My hoarseness had affected my literacy! I could read but I couldn't write. I was a half-literacy. That gave me more pause for thought. Half-literacy. Which half was I, lite or racy? Based on the last time I weighed myself I certainly wasn't "lite" which meant I was "racy."

It all made perfect horse sense. I was a racy hoarse.

If you're confused then think for a moment about me going through this before having a single cup of coffee.

Coffee! That might cure my racy hoarseness.

Alas, that was not the case. After cup three I was hot to trot, champing at the bit and I think I had become a Colts fan.

It didn't get any better throughout the day. Why is it when you're having a little trouble with your voice that people ask you one inane question after another?

Oh, your voice sounds terrible! Does it hurt? I said, DOES IT HURT? Alright, don't say anything, be that way!

(Memo to self: find a way to tell people that your voice is broken, not your ears.)

Have you tried gargling with (salt water, vodka, oatmeal, cod liver oil, hot tea, grape jelly ... )

I had the SAME thing and I couldn't talk for 12 years.

Nod your head for 'yes.' Do you want tuna or turkey?

So, at the end of the day after all that advice and heartfelt concern I sit here with Dr. Google and here's what he has to say:

"The best remedy for hoarseness is to not talk."

Now, why didn't I think of that?


Beth said...

Sounds like a hot toddie opportunity. Feel better soon!

Helena said...

Farted a rainbow?!

That's ANOTHER keyboard you owe me, Farrell.