Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Mid-Course Report

New Year’s Resolutions.

The year is half over. How are you doing?

Lost that 20 pounds? Taken up that new hobby? Learned to play the guitar? Speak Spanish? Work out at least three days a week? Stop smoking? Trim your nose hairs at least once a month?

Face it, your resolutions are dead. Kaput. All you have at this point is guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Fail. That is you. Total loser.

You haven’t lost an ounce. You’re still the dull, miserable recluse you were last year. You don’t even own a guitar, much less play one. Hola? You’re clueless. You’re a lazy, smoking sloth with a mustache, oh, sorry, those are your Nose Hairs.

Well, welcome to the New Year’s Resolutions Club. Membership: You.

I’ll cut to the chase. The reason you have FAILED in your resolutions is that you set the wrong resolutions. Unachievable. Lofty, yes, we are proud, but unachievable. Face it, in 20 years of announcing New Year’s Resolutions how many have you actually fulfilled?

Right, just as I thought: ZERO.

That’s because you’re going about it all wrong in setting resolutions. You’re thinking Grand Strides when you should be thinking bABY sTEPS. Little resolutions. Things you could actually achieve.

So, let’s have a look at my New Year’s Resolutions for 2008 and see how I’m doing.

1. Gain 20 pounds. Check.
2. Spend at least six days a week on the couch. Check.
3. Stop reading non-fiction. Check.
4. The garage is fine, it doesn’t need cleaning. Ever. Check.
5. Drink more beer than in 2007. Check and double Check.
6. Take care of Barky Dog. In Progress.
7. Stop using turn signals. Check.
8. Be more opinionated and less tolerant. Check.
9. Do not learn Spanish. Check.
10. Don’t worry, be happy. Check.

Now, isn’t that a better way to go? I’m well on my way to achieving all my goals for 2008 and it’s just over half-way through the year.

Well, I gotta run. Checking out a new Rent-a-Snake site I found on the Internet. Free shipping! I just might be able to take care of Resolution #6 if all goes well.

Meanwhile, it’s back to the couch. The new People just came out. Can you believe what’s going on with Lindsey Lohan? So illuminating.


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