Sunday, December 04, 2005

Not the Santa!

My favorite time of the year is here: Christmastime!

Christmas lover; I am fond of Christmas. I like the music, the food, the spirit and, well, the whole thing. Bring it on, I’m ready!

Which is to say I’m never ready. Occasionally I’ve been “ready,” but generally it’s Christmas Here I come Ready or Not. I’ve learned not to mind but just let the season flow around me and soak it all in.

And that reminds me, you’re all invited to host a fondue party at your house on Thursday, December 22. Send me email updates and pictures as your party is happening and by hook and by crook I’ll post them here.

Global Fondue Party.

OK, back to Christmas.

“It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stewart, I can watch that at least once, maybe twice if I’m cooking and only see bits and pieces. “Simpson’s Christmas”, a classic. All of them; I’m sure there’s been more than one. “Charlie Brown Christmas” I’ll listen to for the music but I’m not likely to plop down and watch it from start to finish.

As for Christmas music I can listen to it year round. It really puts me in a good mood at this time of year, though. Manheim Steamroller, Liz Story, Cambridge Singers…I’m all over it.

Now, lest we think that I’m a total pushover let’s spend a moment in the reality of the season. I went to the Mall this weekend. I usually avoid the Mall and I REALLY avoid the mall between October and February. However, this weekend I needed a particular item only available at the Mall so I went.

Big mistake. I won’t go into the details but they involved parking, parking, parking, crowds, crowds crowds and kiosk vendors selling flying things that basically scare the hell out of me. Who are these people and why are they selling this stuff? Score for me, I got my cell phone belt clip and beat a hasty retreat. That’s it for the year.

One of my favorite TV shows was Dinosaurs, about a dinosaur family and a rip-off of the Honeymooners. The baby dinosaur would often whack his father on the head with a spoon and exclaim “Not the Mama! Not the Mama!”

I sympathize with Baby D looking next door. Not the Santa! Not the Santa!

The Neighbor’s Christmas Display. If there’s not a law against inflatable, lit from inside, plastic Santas and Snowmen, there should be. At the very least there should be a hunting season on these gaudy, offensive blights and the owners should be required to fill them with hydrogen gas so they explode magnificently when shot.

“Come on, kids, let’s go see the lights and shoot us some snowmen!”


These monstrosities rise from the lawn at dusk like Yule time zombies glowing and swaying in the wind, maniacal, rigor mortis grins fixed on their cheap, plastic faces and proclaim to the world “Crass is good!”

Finally, I’m a terrible shopper. That is, I’m terrible at figuring out what to get for someone else.

In a perfect world everybody would get a quad processor Macintosh G5 with dual 30” monitors and 10 Tb of disc storage. And that’s just for email.

A few years ago I gave my daughter a really cool stapler. Metallic silver, ergonomic design and a Swingline, too! I’m hoping this year she’ll start speaking to me again. You’d think she’d appreciate quality, but noooooo.

Nobody gave me a stapler. I dropped hints, yes I did. Oh, well. There’s always this year.


AtaiDanu said...

I *love* fondue. Need to look up some good fondue recipes as I've only ever done cheese and chocolate, but after going to Melting Pot, I know you can do broth etc.

I also enjoy the spirit of Christmas, however I feel that the presents portion is getting too commercialized. I'd rather get someone 1 decent well thought out present than spends scads of money on every new piece of electronic gadget known to mankind.

schmims said...

I HATE those inflatable holiday lawn ornaments. There really ought to be a law.

I bought everyone on my list Birkenstock soft and fuzzy socks this year. I hate dealing with the mall crowd. Shopping's over for me!

Kristie said...

Red Swingline, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

I don't like Commercial Crimbo either but puleaase can I be on your Christmas list, if you're handing out G5s??

Anonymous said...

Huh. I don't understand your daughter; I got a red Swingline (a la Office Space) for my birthday and showed it to everyone, I was so happy.

Shalee said...

Bill, as a fellow Christmas lover, I say "You go man!"

I hate the mall, no matter the time of year.

I want to be on your Christmas list too, but rather than the G5 thingy, I want a brother of the Griptilian...

Anonymous said...

OK, if only I'd known. We have Fondue Parties in Antarctica too. We had one earlier in the season.

I HATE Christmas: the commercial crap, the obligatory gift-giving with a deadline, the forced good cheer.

Yet it follows me here, we have Christmas decorations up all over town. Even at the bottom of the world there is crass crap and shopping.

At least I don't have to do the mall.


Anonymous said...

If you don't have the Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack, you should get it; it's a classic. I love Christmas music too, especially as it's once a year and really evokes the season. Unfortunately, the male half of the family traditionally makes assorted retching noises when they hear it every year.

Anonymous said...

PS. "I'm the baby, gotta love me!!"

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the lawn ornaments, only this year tons of people bought the plastic snow globe with santa in it for their lawns, and the other day, i was feeling evil and imagining going around one night and stabbing all of them with my husky knife. i'm sick.

i don't have a fondue pot? is this something i need?

i wish i had a red swingline, those are too cool. and where do you get them? and what is wrong with people not understanding your gift giving policy? you give what you want to GET

Foo said...

My wife and I attended some friends' Christmas party the other night. We rolled up in front of their house while there was still some light left, and I was alarmed to see what appeared to be slaughtered elves and melted snowmen all over the front lawn. "Ah," I thought as I carried the first load of foodstuff* inside. "Inflatable decorations."

Two trips later, I was on my way back out to the car to retrieve my wife when suddenly the lights came on, the melted snowmen and flaccid elves began laboriously hauling themselves upright, and the first thing that came into my head was this weird amalgam of Frosty the Snowman and the Thriller video. That and the word "Brains!" as voiced by Yukon Cornelius from the Island of Undead Toys.

Suffice it to say that after relating my impressions to my wife, I was restricted to sugarless soft drinks for the night.

* Which, incidentally, included a fondue pot for the queso.