Turkey Talk

"So, what do you guys want for Thanksgiving this year?"

"Anything but turkey!"

"No turkey!"

"What? Turkey again? Can't we have something else?"

Apparently, they misunderstood the question. The question wasn't whether or not to have turkey, that was a given. The question was what to have with the turkey. Side dishes. Appetizers. Drinks. Desserts.

We've had rice, Southern "dirty" rice, Bill's Southern spicy "dirty" rice, étouffée and jambalaya stuffings, cornbread stuffing, cranberry this and that, root vegetables including parsnips, carrots, roasted (boiled, baked, mashed, twice mashed, thrice mashed with cheese and baked) potatoes, sprouts, this, that and the other thing sometimes fried, steamed, baked, scalloped, but never microwaved.

It's too much. Too much! You've got to whittle down the side dishes or you just can't eat it all, even after a week of trying.

Imagine my surprise when such opposition came to the main, and fixed, event - turkey.

The turkey is the centerpiece of the dinner. The Guest of Honor. The Che de la Resistance.

I've roasted my turkeys using many recipes. My favorite recipe, however, was dictated by Martha Washington (yes, George's wife) who wrote:

Place the bird in a hot oven and cook until done.

Seriously, you will never find a better recipe than that, and, all things considered, it's been the best regardless of what Robert Siegel would say.

But, no turkey? I was at a loss for words much less ideas, so I enquired further.

"OK, no turkey. What do you want instead?"

The conversation degenerated quickly ...

"How about tofu?"

"Yeah, sculpted into the shape of a turkey and tasting like turkey!"

"How about turkey sausage?"

"Yeah, sculpted into the shape of a turkey and tasting like turkey!"

"How about a big ham?"

"Yeah, sculpted into the shape of a turkey and tasting like turkey!"

"How about a goose or a giant salmon?"

"Yeah, sculpted into the shape of a turkey and tasting like turkey?"

I decided it was time for an intervention.

I said, "How about a fresh, young turkey sculpted into the shape of a turkey and tasting like a turkey?"

The crowd considered the option and voted and surprise, surprise, turkey won by a landslide.

Feeling good about the election I went out on a limb and announced:

"And this year I'm going to put the turkey in sideways instead of straight in the oven."

Silence filled the room.

"Sideways?"

"You mean you're going to put the pan in this way instead of that way?"

Harrumph, mumble, mumble, grouse, grouse, more harrumph.

"No, we've decided that if we're going to have turkey it's going to be nothing fancy, no "Gourmet magazine" turkey, just regular old standard turkey like we have every year. Just so it's sculpted like turkey and tastes like turkey.

Well, you know, I replied, if I try real hard I think I can do that.

Now, what about side dishes. Sweet potatoes anybody?

"Ewwww, yuck, no, not sweet potatoes again!"

"Akkkkkkkk, anything but sweet potatoes!"

"Didn't we have sweet potatoes last year? Can't we have something different?"

I sighed. OK, no sweet potatoes. What would y'all like instead?

"How about tofu! Sculpted to look like and taste like sweet potatoes …"



Slowly, I turned …