Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Be a Cat Day

“Mommy, what’s that man doing over there in the flowerbed?”

“Well, sweetie, either he’s a totally deranged pervert or it’s Be a Cat Day!”

Mom was right. The answer was “B:” Be a Cat Day!

What is Be a Cat Day you’re afraid to ask?

Simple! You follow your feline friend around for a day and whatever the Cat does, you do. Oh, you scoff, that’s just an excuse for sleeping all day and dig in the flowerbed. That is so wrong. Nobody needs an excuse to sleep all day or dig in the flowerbed. In fact, being a cat is a demanding and exacting job.

I present my case.

5:30 A.M. Paw the bedroom window. Be a Cat Day starts early in the morning! Get on your knees and stretch way up. Come on, higher! Stretch those arms and tap your fingers against the window just hard enough to be annoying, but not strident. That’s it! Tappity-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tappity-tap.

5:40 A.M. Pre-breakfast snack. While the Cat chomps on cat chow you can have a handful or so of Cheerio’s. No milk. Dry crunching can be heard throughout the house adding to the sarcasm of “breakfast not ready yet!” After the snack wash carefully and exhale cat chow breath on anybody in the vicinity. Pace around loudly to indicate you’re ready for breakfast.

6:00 A.M. Breakfast time! Make loud noises, purr and be generally appreciative. Yeah, it’s an act but it works every time and will generally speed up getting Breakfast delivered. Show more appreciation by scattering Breakfast around the kitchen floor. That way everybody can join in! Once Breakfast is over you can cut the act and get down to serious Cat business for the rest of the day. Wash carefully and exhale cat food breath on anybody in the vicinity.

6:30 A.M. Power Nap Number One. Find a comfortable place to curl up and go to sleep.

9:30 A.M. Stretch! Really get those arms and legs out there. Big yawn, come on, big! Roll over on the other side and go back to sleep.

12:30 P.M. Wake up from Power Nap Number One, stroll into the kitchen for a snack. Wash carefully and exhale cat snack breath on anybody in the vicinity. Go outside and dig in the garden for a few minutes being mindful to track dirt across the newly cleaned kitchen floor.

1:00 P.M. Power Nap Number Two. Seek out the couch or the big chair, curl up and go to sleep.

3:00 P.M. Stretch! Big yawn! Roll over and go back to sleep.

6:00 P.M Dinner time! Always remember to stretch carefully before starting any exercise. Ready, set, go! Run around the house and make as much noise as possible. Climbing the curtains always elicits a response. Continue this exercise until dinner appears, which will be shortly.

6:15 P.M. Sit by the back door and stare at the lower hinge. Empty the mind and concentrate on the Hinge. The Hinge. The Hinge. O, my knee, pad may Hinge. O, my knee, pad may Hinge. Contemplate the sound of one paw clawing.

6:45 P.M. Meditation is over. Time to party! Bat at the door stop spring until the door opens. Sproinggggggg! Sproingggggggg! Sproinggggg!

7:00 P.M Let’s get this party started! A night of games and excitement. There’s Annoy the Barky Dog, Claw the Trash Bag, Dig Up the Flowers, Torment the Mice, Leap at the Bugs and the all time favorite, Puke on the Doorstep. We’ll save that for last! Come on, the night is young!

(The following morning.)

5:15 A.M. OK, let’s do a quick evaluation of the night’s activities:

Annoyed the barky dog. Check.

Clawed the trash bags. Check.

Dug up flowers. Check.

Mouse count. Four, check.

Bug count. Twelve, check.

Puke on doorstep.

Puke on doorstep?

(hurk, hurk, hurk, hurrrrrrrrrrk) Check.

Alright, everybody, that was a good effort. Oh, look at the time! We’ve got to get going!

5:30 A.M. Paw the bedroom window.

And so ends Be a Cat Day and not a moment too soon. I’m exhausted! Power nap here I come.


KatieLauren said...

I started thinking today about all the blogs I read and never comment on. I started to feel as though I'm doing something wrong. Like spying, even though you put it out there to read. In any case this led me to start thinking about how I have pictured all these people that write these blogs.

I see you at a less fat Santa... with a neater trimmed beard ofcourse. Oh and no red suit, well not most of the time at least. Am I close? Don't ruin this for me: )


Maxly said...

Thanks for a good laugh today...oh how true is this post...well, except my two cats take about 8 power naps a day.


Anonymous said...

good one. and lauren seems awfully clairvoyant.

s'kat said...

Dude. I had this dream last night.

Except, there was more puking, especially directed towards carpets. And also, there were other felines to f-errr---rrrr- I mean, this is a polite blog. There were other cats to toy with.

What a great day.